The POWER of INFATUATION: Part 2

By Rev. Gillian V. Harris, M.S.P.
Posted August 25, 2021

You’re goin’ along and everything is fine - until  --- it’s NOT!
 
Though we already KNOW, going in, that MOST ‘infatuations’ have a short as hell shelf life, we just can’t help ourselves – we reach for the can! We reach and indulge again and again and again until we come upon one we are in harmony with and we stop and dig in for a while. -Hopefully we’re there forever. Either way, at the beginning it started with what’s called the ‘infatuation’ stage. YOU might argue, “NO it was LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT, NOT INFATUATION”. The experts I’m quoting today would tell you that you were mistaken and merely LUCKY it all worked out. They would say infatuation pretends to be love and is based on IDEAS of love but not based on any true love experience.

I kept refreshing my search in Google but my algorithms wouldn’t let up! I kept bumping into therapists and psychologists giving nothing but protective advice. -If I were infatuation, I’d sue for libel!! I had to fight my way through their discussions that go on and on about the ‘deceptive power’ of love's first moments.  In fact that was the title of the first article I found on www.Psychologytoday.Com . Something written by Dr. Susan Heitler, Ph.D. (reviewed by Devon Frye).

Dude!! Harsh title which to me read as if there’s nothing to be enjoyed and relaxed about in ‘Love’s first moments’ because its “deceptive” no matter what. – Clarity on what the word ‘Deceptive’ means: Illusory, misleading, deceiving, dishonest, FALSE! DUUUUUDE! -Do you see what I mean?! On one hand they acknowledge that infatuation is part of LOVE’S first moments! But they are brutal in their contention that the infatuation stage is deceptive! So, what we are experiencing, and FEELING is deceptive!!! FALSE! DISHONEST! NOT REAL. FAKE! OMG! Holy sh*t! I hope to save readers here, from ever believing these kinds of perspective about anything love related.  

Here’s my argument: INFATUATION is an early part of the LOVE experience. (P.S. God is Love) As such, infatuation is NOT deceptive but instead a reflection we catch when viewing the portal to someone’s authentic self. In infatuation – the early stages of romantic love – we often see beyond layers of external imaging/ the ‘for the public’ personality – we see through that and into the persons essence. Infatuation has a lot to do with being touched by having witnessed this. When you’re seeing a persons’ best it’s not just because they’re on their best behavior. Part of it is their authentic self which we are privy to when we are in infatuation mode. It’s part of that portal view to the realest part of the person. Our ‘Authentic Self’ -a direct reflection of God – IS perfect.  

So, this article I found, really twisted my brain! I kept feeling bad for the author! What a bummer perspective to live from. Her article, ‘The Deceptive Power Of Love’ goes on to pose the question, “can you trust the potent sexual feelings of new love especially on the rebound?” – As Lizzo would say in her song ‘Rumors’, “come on, man!” Really?!  Did you really need to ask that!? No!  Great conversation piece but … no.  I mean, not if you’re looking for ‘the ultimate’.

I’m big on recommending that a person consider being solo for a figurative minute between relationships. Clear your slate. Be okay with just being with yourself. Exhale a few times! I recommend that maybe it's healthier to get clear first, otherwise you take residue energy, of negative previous relationships, with you into the new one!  Heal self. Be solo while you make that happen to harmonize with self and feel whole again. Become whole as one again, before you merge with another! That's my knee jerk answer on that!

Ok, so let’s say you’ve had enough time solo!  Let’s talk about those early days of a romance!  New love (infatuation) is one of the most ultimate turn-ons, is it not?! And there’s a sssssssizzling erotic hotness to it regardless of whether you’re trying to suppress sex til marriage, hold off until a commitment or simply trying to make it to the 2^nd date instead of the 1st! Lol! No matter what, that sky high physical affinity - the desire to be so close you are touching - is alive n raging, pheromones are involuntarily UNleashed and all over the place in the infatuation phase!  Personally, I enjoy that stage and those sensations so much, I always want that part to stay in my relationships forever! F-evah-evah!! I want to always feel that fire with my partner, no matter what.

There is a book out called ‘I Only Want To Get Married Once’, written by Chana Levitan. In her pages she explains that infatuation is "the spark at the beginning". But it is JUST a spark. A spark mistaken for much more because it is such a volatile spark. Powerful!  It is the spark that ignites and switches the association of two people from unfamiliar to VERY (familiar). Ignites a switch from business-like to couple or plutonic friendship to romantic and sexualized. And in this part, this chapter called infatuation, life is on a spectacular and possibly life changing pivot. All is beyond well!     Your world is pure ecstasy (right?!). You naturally want that feeling to last into infinity. Hell yeah!! And I say it CAN last and deepen richly! Infatuation is the SPARK to set off that richness! And with every spark we grow more ready to hold the ultimate flame…  

I get that statistically an infatuation USUALLY doesn’t end up being the ultimate! But I believe more people would reach their ultimate sooner, if they cherished every previous infatuation. Even the endings of those previous relationships. Cherish and respect them. That’s MY opinion.

Chana Levitan and I don’t agree with each other. She contends that no matter how good the match(!), no matter how strong the sexualized draw of infatuation, even in the best of marriages, it’s only a temporary phenomenon associated with newness and security.
SMH. Chana, Chana, Chana! Girl!!! Come on, now!

Ok, maybe for some but not for all. The strong sexualized draw of infatuation can last for decades. And there are other features of infatuation that bring us joy as we interact that can be carried decades into a relationship. Its really about your head! Where is it? Whats your perspective about your relationship and the  life you're living.  Basic life anatomy; all parts are connected. Yes, statistically, these infatuations don't work out but at some point, they absolutely DO!!  Think about it!        The best marriages began as infatuations.  I also argue that even if the relationship doesn’t end in marriage, it CAN still work out long enough for each participant in that union to live and learn significant life curriculum as a result of being together. MANY people finally land on an infatuation that leads to a blessed union that lasts a lifetime. These are romances that often stay hot for decades as they grow and unfold! It is my contention that couples can maintain the strong sexualized draw of infatuation deep, deep, deep into their marriage clock. I have parents, nearly in their 90s, who are still so blissfully in love with each other, it makes you blush if you’re watching!!! Of course, they are also cool with a little PDA¹, so there’s that! God bless them as they are a living, breathing example of my point here.

To read some of the experts on Infatuation the inference was that from infatuation, if you’re lucky, it grows into ‘real love’. That’s NOT the answer in my opinion BUT let’s say it is. So, that leads to another question.

HOW LONG SHOULD INFATUATION LAST – before you get to that REAL LOVE?!?!?!?
Psychologists Dorothy Tennov told PsychologyToday.com that the duration of infatuation typically lasts at most, a year and a half to 3 years! Three Years! I had no idea a spark could do that but depending on your perspective on the ‘value’ of infatuation, this could be awesome to hear!  Or NOT! What about those bonds/couplings that are NOT going to go long term from the infatuation stage? How can we know ahead of time so that we don’t WASTE energy? How can we avoid the scenario where one is still infatuated and hurt because the other has completely lost interest?! 

SIGNS to look for and HOW TO AVOID and HEAL From INFATUATION DEVASTATION in Part 3!

(c) 2021 Rev. Gillian V Harris, M.S.P.