By Rev. Gillian V Harris, M.S.P.
January 30, 2016
Romantic break-ups happen. How many have you been through? How many of them do we go through before we finally meet ‘the one’? How many times do we meet ‘the one’ before deciding “oh hell no. I’m never getting committed (or married) again!” ??
I contend that if more people CONSCIOUSLY Decoupled, there would be WAY more weddings and stronger, healthier, longer lasting relationships.
So, what IS Conscious Decoupling, you ask? I prefer to answer that question by giving an example of UNCONSCIOUS decoupling! It’s completely fear/ego driven reaction-ism. As I remember, it went like this:
As he got ready for work that morning he made his announcement. “I’m leaving you. I’m in love with someone else”. Smug and holier than thou, he went a step further, “you’ll need to move out”. He made this proclamation as he dressed in one of his Armani suits and headed out the door. The door closed and her anger unleashed. 11 years of marriage. Two children. And she surrendered her ambition when he asked that she put her career aside to help him start his law firm. Talk about rage! She was now a seething VOLCANO!
By the time Mr. Man returned home from work he found the charred remains of his favorite weekend BMW in the driveway filled with the ashes of what used to be every shred of clothing he owned. Well, except for what he was wearing at that moment! Ha!!
This particularly awesome drama is played out in the movie ‘Waiting to Exhale’ except I paraphrased the quotes! That’s basically what he said, though. And for a lot of women, watching Angela Bassett work that scene was a victory being expressed on behalf of anyone who’d ever felt romantically rejected-wronged-betrayed-abandoned-disrespected-humiliated- etc in the past, no matter how long ago or by how many different exes. She was acting out what many (male and female) have felt in the past but didn’t necessarily do! Or… maybe we did! Ha! Maybe we were even MORE dramatic. MORE insane! The problem is… these kinds of reactions only block the healing. And while we’re raging… While we’re in hate, victimization & revenge mode – focusing on the negative circumstances, we are simultaneously generating more of the same via the consequential energy.
Then there’s the gut wrenching depth of the grief. Those quiet, dark moments, when we’re not raging but instead we are overcome with pain and sadness as we live the newness of this relationships ending … Know that this is, quite literally, a trauma. And while you are traumatized it can hurt SO deeply you can feel like you might literally “die”. I’m here to tell you, you are right. Ever heard of someone dying from a broken heart?! It actually happens.
TAKOTSUBO CARDIOMYOPATHY - Wikipedia describes this condition which can be triggered by emotional stress – especially with the death of a loved one or the ending of a romance, “a sudden temporary weakening of the muscular portion of the heart.” !!!
DUDE!!! I read that and I’m like, “Um… the muscular portion?!” Well holy shiznit Batman- isn’t the whole heart a muscle?! Yes! And so . . . uh… just how many of these romantic break ups can one human body & heart take?! - Like, seriously!
I understand people who give up after a while. It’s not that they think, “all women (or men) are alike” or whatever. It’s a subconscious knowingness that because of the WAY they experience relationships and especially the way they have experienced decoupling in the past, they know that if they do it even ONE more time, they’re done. Like dead done. Outa here. Bye Felicia! So they abstain, refrain, build a wall so as to never – EVER fall in love again. : (
Originally I called them Divorce Ceremonies. But then I realized even unmarried people who have coupled and are now parting ways, deserve and qualify for the benefits of a conscious decoupling. So I changed the name to Conscious Decoupling Ceremonies and ultimately have been guiding people through this process for nearly 5 years now. In the last year, I’ve found myself doing nearly as many of these ceremonies as I do weddings! These Decoupling ceremonies are so beautiful, I’m torn on which I like to do better. The value of a conscious decoupling is so far reaching. Your chances of finding and experiencing everlasting bliss with your NEXT romantic partner is elevated tremendously IF you first decouple consciously from your previous relationship(s).
Before having such a ceremony, one would have to be conscious which in short means you are holding your ex in the highest light as you genuinely want the best for them and their future. ‘Genuinely’! Conscious is an awareness that earth is simply life school. Relationships are classrooms and our emotions are our own. Processing your feelings, loving, caring, forgiving and making new commitments to yourself are part of the healing process of a conscious decoupling. Many find, in the conscious decoupling process that they are healing places within, that were wounded from broken relationships and dark, erroneous misperceptions taken on many years ago. Processing all of that, clearing what needs to be cleared and realizing your truths is freedom.
Please understand, the process and ceremony of conscious decoupling are not a magic wand that will dissolve your grief but you will feel lighter and your healing process will be faster. You’ll not only be able to see the blessings as a result of the healing brought about by the ending relationship but along the way you are empowered with realization and ability to consciously manifest the kind of relationship you always wanted in the first place.
The skills used to consciously decouple are the very tools that you can use for every other relationship in your life, including your next romantic love!