The POWER of INFATUATION: Part 3

By Rev. Gillian V. Harris, M.S.P.
Posted September 1, 2021

In parts 1 and 2 of this subject we’ve been dissecting the cunning, baffling, powerful-ness of infatuation!! Whether and when to trust it. Is infatuation a good SIGN or isn’t it?! The feelings are mega intense but is everybody REALLY on the same page or is one of us simply full of it?!? Today's edition on this subject is about detecting a going no-where infatuation. But then even if you detect it, how do you slow your blissful roll as you have gotten into a habit of thinking about this person – sending cute text messages – checking your phone every 30 minutes in hopes they texted back – but they didn’t!! And when they do write back it is not as connected and romantic as before. And where’s the date?! Don’t they want to…SEE YOU?!?!?!? And you’re thinkin’ “but wait a minute.  Just a week ago you said you wanted to rock my world, float my boat and toot my horn - all at the same time. What d’hell happened?!?!?”  

Basically, what I’ve described above happened to me very recently.  I met this guy 3 years ago and surprised myself by being very attracted to him. Every time I learned another thing about him, my interest was upped a notch!

I was fully infatuated. We flirted but then …long story short, it just wasn’t the right time. Same business situation happens 3 years later which brought us together again. The infatuation is there again but it’s much, much stronger this time. A little more difficult to just let it fade this time. Plus, there seemed to me a reason why I would feel this with this person again.

It’s my sense that he could be one of my soul mates. We all have agreements with our soulmates to participate with each other in different lifetimes for the purpose of life curriculum. Life school stuff. This could even include that ultimate romance. I don’t really know if he’s one (or ‘the one’) for sure, yet, but JUST IN CASE, I decided to treat this infatuation with full authenticity because…what if?! BUT how do I NOT waste my precious time?! Since turning 50 (quite a while back) I have often joked that on certain things I need to hurry because, “how many more cute minutes do I have left?!?!?” So, yes. Not wanting to waste time. So – HOW will I know if this is NOT one I’m supposed to date!?

Upon more research it is suggested that we consider not only feeling the bliss of infatuation but also feeling love for the person after the infatuation is over!  What?! Yes! Take that in… Contemplate the concept of such a thing! -Talking about Unconditional Love. Did your experience with the infatuation take you there?!? – To that rich realm of no matter what love?! Or, not so much?!? And this reminds me of something that I am feeling in my current situation, as I type: It's really not about finding someone to enjoy sleeping with. That's easy! (– Especially since I’m still cute! ) It's about finding someone that you enjoy waking up with. THAT is the part!

And here’s the other thing; there's something to be said for maturity and enlightenment as well as Destiny and fate in this matter. Yeah love can be blind as a bat when you are in the initial stages. But there is something to be said for our wisdom gained from life,

especially if we've been around the block a few of times! Over fifty and still dating, I have a level of wisdom now that I did not have in my twenties and thirties! That level of romantic smarts makes it impossible for me to be completely blind no matter how nyummy the infatuation is!

AVOIDING BAD ROMANCES: Qualifying your candidate…

Here's how to figure out whether the person your romantically focused on is qualified to be in your hearts’ infatuation compartment.

• In your early interactions with this person write down all the things that they say they want to do with you. Everything! All the promises that have made… Over the next 30 to 60 days, see if they actually follow through on what they said! Yeah! Worse, has it already BEEN 30 – 60 days since those unkept promises were made???  How do you HONESTLY feel about that?!  Having fun, yet? Is this in the realm of what you deserve!?
• You need to go a little deeper into yourself to determine what you’re truly looking for and then seek only that. Here’s how.  Write down exactly how you want to feel in the ‘ultimate’ relationship. What do YOU want to feel like as a result of being in that union?  Identify the ‘emotions’ that you want to be part of your regular day to day life while in this relationship! To get there, envision what a day will be like in this wonderful romance. What does it FEEL like. Write it down. Write down the feelings.  This is so important not only for your mental health but for your emotional, psychological and spiritual health. Write down what you want to feel like emotionally, sexually, intellectually, everything. What does what you want - look like, feel like? See it in your mind which will make you feel it viscerally and when that’s happening - find the words to capture it and write it down. Then, thinking of the person your infatuated with – ask some questions and answer honestly: Do they listen to you the way you need? Do they love you the way you need? Do they connect with you as deeply as you want? Is the sex giving you what you need? Does this person make you feel welcomed in their space? Comfortable?! And what else is important to you? -Do you get ______ from this Union???? – You fill in the blank with what is important and honestly explore to see If you are being satisfied in this area.

Sitting with pen and paper and working this process is how you can be there for yourself. Do it now rather than later! I have personally learned that the elements that end a relationship were often present at the beginning, as well.  If you don’t want to waste your time or get yourself emotionally devastated for nothing, do the following:

While infatuated you’ll need to do the tough-love work of gathering yourself for a moment of logical thinking. We have to ask ourselves:
1. Are there things we’ve learned from our life journey that we can use right now to make sure we're not being swept off our feet for the wrong person?!

2. Are there things you’ve already lived through that you KNOW are not in harmony with your wellbeing, that you are witnessing again in your new potential partner?! If so, that’s a sign! Hello! Further, our capacity for longer range Vision can help us evaluate if the person that we love so intensely today is likely to become a burden or an asset over time. Like, does your current infatuation seem to be with someone who will turn into a stranger from a strange land or someone with whom open intimacy and a shared lifestyle would be possible/impossible? Would that person give you the kind of support, the depth of understanding that you need or might they evolve into a damn controlling TYRANT?!!? Or maybe into a whining, needy, weak link in your world?

IF what you discover in your self-inquiry is a GOOD THING then EMERSE YOURSELF IN THE INFATUATION STAGE! BUT – WHAT IF IT IS NOT…Then WHY!??

4 CLEAR SIGNS THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY ROMANCE!!!

1. Other than the sensation of the infatuation, there's nothing else to the relationship. There is no shared interest or values. There's no shared life path, ambition, or desire that you both want. There's very little about you both that is alike. There’s not much to talk about after the initial getting-to-know-you conversation!!

2. There has to be a part of you that stays awake and with your mind and eyes open! You cannot be so caught up in the chemistry of the initial attraction that you can't or don't want to see who the person really is. Do you find yourself making excuses for the person and if so, is that what you really want?! Think it through – the time for FORESIGHT is WAY before Hindsight!!!

3. I used to have a bad-boy addiction! Motorcycles. Fast cars. Leather jacketed Rebels. So glad I kinda-sorta got over that! Or let's say I haven't really gotten over it, but I do not allow myself to spend time in relationships that I can’t enhance and that are not going to enhance me! So, here's the third bad sign: Are you infatuated and at the same time you KNOW that this person is bad for you. How do you think that’s going to play out?!  Be honest with yourself on this stuff. And by doing that, you are supporting yourself like a big sister/brother. In the future, you will be glad that you were there for yourself today! 

4. Another sign that you might not be in the right romantic spot, with the right person, at the right time, is even though you're moving towards a commitment -maybe even marriage, in your mind and in your heart, you find yourself focusing on somebody that you dated in the past. Or focusing on people you might date in the future!! That's a good sign that where you are right now, with the person that you're moving forward with in commitment, is maybe not in harmony with your truth. That’s your Authentic-self talking to you!

One of the most challenging parts of STOPPING the infatuation is – stopping the infatuation! Ahhhh yeah! But you have to. Begin to wean yourself. Stop it and neutralize! This is the only way to safely merge into a better situation. A better infatuation – one with someone who’s more ready for you and the magnificent relationship you offer. You have to know that, though, or stopping is hard. Get clear of this bad one so you can make space for the good one.  It’s just like an addiction… Get past it and know life will be better.  In the beginning of un-infatuating (New word alert!) yourself, you’ll take it one day at a time. Soon it’ll become easier and you may not even remember their name!

Infatuation is CUNNING, BAFFLING, POWERFUL! If you are in the vortex of that intoxicating feeling about someone – without a concerted effort to be awake - eyes open - you're going to miss the red flags and warning signs that things are really not as they seem.

If you, being 1000% honest with yourself, and make it past these  Points above, then maybe the infatuation that you are immersed in is trustworthy. Like I said, at some point we bump into the relationship that IS with a soul mate, meant to last and to be a significant life chapter. How awesome to treat the initial infatuation with that person as if you know it’s them!?! Like if this is ‘THE ONE’, how wonderful to be able to treat the bond as such from the very beginning without any worry that it is actually not a trustworthy connection?!

So, I say stay awake be conscious in the beginning. Go through the checklist I just gave you and make sure that the love that you are immersed in now, is worthy of your whole heart. And if so, then by all means, give your whole heart! <3 Find out early so you can move on but without (or with minimal) collateral emotional damage.

Next time, in the final installment -The 4 Steps to Heal and move forward from a Code Blue Infatuation!

(c) 2021 Rev. Gillian V Harris, M.S.P.